Sometimes I am unhappy because I take me with me everywhere I go.
When my sixteeen year old daughter read this statement she said everyone was going to think I was "emo." I like to think of it as self-aware. The thing about fun-loving, narcissistic, self-aware people is that we can proudly tell you we are this way. We will even re-tool our personalities or flaws because we want to become a better person, but because of our short attention span we tend to return to negative behaviour or thoughts because we are always seeking a happy, fun place.
Thanks to a few honest counselors and lots of online personality tests I know I am this way. Most counselors use diplomatic words filled with allegory to tell you this. They say in a very loving way-"Cookie you are a monkey-lion. You love people to look at you and notice you. You want to make them laugh-like a little monkey. Yet, you are a lion-a real leader-one who knows their likes and dislikes." I think what they are trying to tell me is that I am a real bitch who likes to be the center of attention.
Psychiatrist are not as engaging. They just stare at you, repeat what you say and look at their watch. I only saw a psychiatrist a couple of times after my mother died; I thought he could make the pain go away. He just stared at me, repeated what I said and looked at his watch. I liked being told I was a monkey-lion much better. The counselor also told me I have an addictive personality. He determined this after I took the test that told him I was a monkey-lion. I got offended, until a year later I figured it out myself. I don't think it was a self-fulfilling prophecy-I think a couple of black-outs were a hint. He also told me I was "pre-disposed" to anxiety. I am also "pre-disposed" to having a big butt, but I work out all the time.
Self-awareness is important, but acting on the discovery is the key. Today I got up and took a deep breath and said my prayers-this is great for the anxiety, walked my dog-helps with my big butt, drank hot tea with my husband-makes me thankful for the best friend I have ever had, got to take care and love my children and then I made the decision to listen to someone else today and enjoy being where I am right now.
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Girl, that is ME talking, "sometimes I am unhappy because I take me with me everywhere I go." Wow, those are the words I've been looking for to describe the way I feel when I get down, or "emo". Yeah, I too am always "reading" as my husband says, usually to become more self-aware and/or try to retune my thinking, change bad habits and become a better person. It seems though just as I think I've "fixed" one flaw, there is another one that pops up, leaving me emo yet again. Hubby always asks me, "will you EVER be happy?" I don't know, will I? I used to tell him that I wasn't unhappy, but just a highly motivated person that set high goals for myself, but, he said "but no matter what you do, it's never good enough, is it?" I'd have to say he's right on that one. I am my own worst enemy, if it wasn't for me, I could be a lot happier sometimes too.
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